"You want to know how I did it? I didn't save any for the swim back."
That's how life should really be. Keep swimming, don't look back. Use every ounce of energy in your body and swim forward. If you look back, you will never win. 

I beat my body to become my slave. 

And Ethan Hawke is ridiculously charming. 

Square One, No More.

I've come to a certain point in my life again where I just want to be stagnant. I don't want to accept change. I don't want things to be different. If I had a choice, I would completely choose to stay home and sleep all day long. I don't want to be moving forward, I just want to be in my own world which constitutes of my bed and myself. Maybe Aircon and some books. Coffee. Chips. Something like that. 

But no, I cannot do that. I have school. I have responsibilities. As a student. As a friend. As a daughter. As an OT to be. As a person. As a disciple. With all these responsibilities, I cannot become stagnant. I cannot go back into that shell that only consists of me, myself and I. I've come to realise how self-centred I am. Whenever I am tired, I really just want to be alone. And no matter who around me needs me, I try so hard to run away. To avoid. So that I don't have to pick up their mess. It's not mine, why do I always have to do it? 

There you go Venessa. Your raw thoughts tell you how self-centred you really are. 

How To Ruin Your Life: Glass Butterfly

Get stuck. Stay in one place your whole life. Always order vanilla even though the menu is four pages long. Become the type of person who sends back lattes. Save up your money for a plasma TV instead of a plane ticket. Talk a lot about things you know nothing about. Have an affair with someone you don’t even find attractive. Refuse to forget your ex. Make it impossible for yourself to do anything without remembering that you used to do it with them. Hug your knees under the sheets and think about how safe you felt when they held you at night. Remind yourself daily of how empty you feel. Find new ways to make yourself sad. Get drunk all the time. Consider no Saturday night, national holiday or extended happy hour complete without a vodka-induced breakdown. Graduate college but keep drinking like you’re still in it. Notice that cheap beer tastes watery and stale when you drink it alone but drink it anyway. Look at old Facebook photos wasted and wonder where everyone went. Never drink. Never do anything that could potentially be “bad” for you. Treat your body like the temple it is and say no to carbs, yes to wheatgrass, go to bed at ten sharp and turn down cake on your birthday. Take fifteen different dietary supplements. Monitor carefully. Succumb to nothing. Miss out on everything. Compare yourself constantly, to everyone. Allow the standards of image-obsessed, age-obsessed culture to make you feel decrepit at 25. Scroll through skinny girls on Tumblr feeling wistful and inadequate. Pull at the skin on your hipbones, stomach, and underarms in the mirror. Sigh a lot. Sigh all the time. Don’t fall in love with anyone or anything. Put an impenetrable wall between yourself and other people. Add a fire-breathing dragon and eight yards of barbed wire. Be suspicious of everyone’s motives. Hold grudges long after you’ve forgotten what for. Fall in love with everyone and everything. Run after the next best thing like it’s a bus you’re perpetually late for. Throw your heart into every other stranger’s hands and be genuinely surprised to be hurt. Refuse to learn. Refuse to ever learn. 

After reading this, I realised that I am ruining my life. It's not supposed to be like that. Why am I becoming this person I don't want to be? Who am I? What have I become? Who did I used to be? Have I changed? Has this been me all this time? I scarcely know. 

Who am I?

So today, I need to make a new promise. To myself, to the people who love me, to God. That I won't be that person anymore. One week of ruining my life is sufficient. 

I will start living life. I will start embracing challenges again. I will start letting myself be empowered. I will start cultivating discipline. I will start to be more selfless. I will start to let God take the wheel completely. Because, only this way, life will be how it was meant to be. I wasn't born to die. I was born to live and then die. And I want to live it well. To the best of my ability. 

LIFE IS HERE, NOW. YOU CANNOT WAIT FOR A CERTAIN EVENT OR MILESTONE TO TRULY BEGIN LIVING YOUR LIFE. 

Time

I've been contemplating a lot about time lately. 

I've been wondering, how time can so easily be lost. How time can so easily be wasted. How time can be regretted, how time can be so cherished. How 5 minutes waiting for a bus can feel like a decade yet 5 minutes for an epic moment seem like a split second. 

Time. 

I say this really often, "I have no time." No time to do the things I want to do because all the time is used for things I have to do. And people tell me this, "Time has to be made." Now that concept, that notion, honestly bugs me. How do you make time? Prioritising isn't making time. It's setting aside time. I feel like when I prioritise, I take too much control of my life. And I'm not a systematic person. I don't like rules. I don't like being told what I can or cannot do. I don't like control. I like spontaneous ideas. I like the thrill. I love surprises. There's no way that I can live through this rigid system in Singapore. Yet, I have to spend at least 17 years in this education system. Time. Where have the times gone? Times I should have spent embracing my youth instead of cooping up in my room to study for an exam, times I should have went crazy instead of withdrawing myself to present the proper side of me. 

"If proper was said to be wearing a codfish on your head, would you wear it?" said Alice. 

Beginning 2013, someone preached "You will never have as much time as you have now." My death has been decided on the moment I was born. God has my entire life planned out for me and there's nothing I can do to extend or shorten it. With that as my final destination, this statement becomes more alive for me. I will never have as much time as I have now. To do the things I dream to do, to love the people I can love, to change the lives I was meant to change. And I need to seize these. This is what time means to me. To do meaningful things. To not regret even a passing second. 

I want to live in the moment. 

"Lesson Number One: All the time travelling in the world cannot make someone love you." 

Time cannot change what is meant to be. If we accept that in our hearts, life would be so much easier. As humans, we fight so hard because we actually believe that fighting for something would reap the results of sowing. We're so caught up with, "As long as I fight, there is hope." I'm not saying that this thought is wrong. It's good to have hope. But think about it, if you've been fighting for too long and too hard, maybe it's God saying, "It's time to let go." And, it's time to listen. 

I cannot fathom the concept of time yet, but slowly and surely I am learning. To live my life to the fullest with the time that I have. 

Live every moment like it was my last. 

My last week of holiday was spent a little like this. 

Monday

I spent my day at home just chilling. It was very much needed after such an unexpected exciting weekend. Watched Music and Lyrics which reminded me of Vietnam! Chuong only has 3 songs he listens to and 2 of them are from Music and Lyrics. So... I packed my room and it felt amazing to have such a nice and clean table. I felt so prepared for the semester ahead with my timetable and all. God knows how long it'd last. It was also Abby's wisdom tooth surgery day!

Tuesday

This is again unlike me, leaving home unnecessarily but I'm proud to say I did it again! Went to Abby's place to have a LOTR marathon! I feel so happy that I have a friend that watched LOTR. Too many of my girlfriends have fallen asleep during LOTR, so praise the lord. She couldn't really talk or laugh and it was really amusing. Had swimming after that and Rebecca, my school friend cum swimming buddy, gave me a present and a note! So sweet of her! And I really improved, my instructor said. Headed for Sushi Tei after swimming with sissie, Jac and Sil. 

Wednesday

I volunteered at IDEAS MINDS with Faith and it was such a meaningful morning. To help them with craft and to see them do the things they can do. It's so fulfilling. I had so much fun~ Headed to NUS to spend time with Claudine which failed terribly but still an hour together was better than nothing. Had dinner with Avery at NEX before sending a surprise to Renee! I feel happy to see people happy. 

Thursday

Continued my movie marathon with Abby at her place! It was such a hot day that I went to the mama shop to get us drinks and ice-cream :) I officially conclude that return of the king is my favourite out of the three. Went home to bake for my supervisor! Vegan Banana Muffins. I felt so stressed that she couldn't take dairy and I was just so certain that healthy things would always go bad. It took me by a pleasant surprise. Though it was more moist than usual muffins, it tasted pretty awesome. 

Friday

Volunteered at MINDS TTDC with Abby and I had such a wonderful time. Turns out my supervisor loved the muffins and totally wanted the recipe. She said, "ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAD CAKE. IT'S REALLY NICE." I felt so warm and fuzzy inside. Got to see all the clients that I've missed so terribly. Spent a lot of time with them and saw how much they have improved since I left two weeks ago. The achievement level felt great. To break through that barrier, to know that they trust me enough to interact with me. It's just amazing. 

Went to the childcare after that to help Mummy with filing. Rachel came over to pass me my present! Had such a fun time just catching up and being retarded together. Really missed the kids <3 Rushed home at 5pm to pack up for our flight! 

Had dinner at the airport which was fortunate that we were there early! 

 My lovely dinner from Astons. The plane ride only took like 30 mins but we were delayed for an hour! My gosh, the non perks of flying budget! We arrived at around 11ish and Aunty Woonwei came to drive us to our hotel. I was dead beat and fell into deep sleep the moment my head touched the pillow. 

 My birthday gift from Rachel Thomas :) A book is the best gift you can ever give someone. 

Saturday

We had to wake up super early to attend the childcare concert! But first things first, BREAKFAST BUFFET. We stayed in Eastin Hotel and I really like it. The room was huge. The bed was so comfy. The toilet's pretty. The service was lovely. They even have green cards to save the environment. I love hotels like these. 

 Breakfast Buffet: Amazing. 

Headed to the concert by car and it was so weird because we were the VIP. Sitting in the first row and not even properly dressed! 

 It was such a lovely performance and hilarious as well. Can't help but feel like crying every time I hear the graduation speech! 

 Reunited with the lovely sisters :) Missed them so much! When we saw each other we were like screaming and wondering how did half a year past by so fast. 

 We did a lot after the concert. Went for Korean Buffet. Shopped a little bit. Had coffee at a cafe, Alexis. Had dinner at an authentic Hokkien mee stall. Slept well again. 

Sunday

This was unexpected but we actually went for the service in KL! And I don't regret at all going because I fell in love with Caesar's voice. HE SINGS SO WELL I MELTED ON THE SPOT. 

 Song leader: Caesar. 

 Beatrice! Totally remembered her from Ipoh retreat :) 

 Daniel Park! During the ipoh retreat we were group mates and he asked for my name a few times every day. So when I saw him, I was like.. 

"DANIEL PARK!"

"Heyyyy."

"Do you remember my name!"

"Of course, Venessa." 

I was so sad my fellowship with them was so shortlived because we were rushing! So we headed for lunch at Little India and tea at Alexis again! 

 Such yummy cakes. 

THE MOST EPIC THING HAPPENED. 

We were late for our flight and the gate already closed because of the traffic. There was F1 and it just happened to be at the road leading to the ulu airport. That's why we took so long to get there! And so when we were at the gate, the lady looked at us and said, "The plane won't leave without you but you have to run. I mean it, run." 

SO WE ALL STARTED RUNNING AND THE DISTANCE WAS RIDICULOUS. WHO RUNS FOR PLANES MAN! My flats were so uncooperative and we made it :) Flight back was epic and we shopped inside the arrival area for awhile. Went for dinner and dessert and headed home! 

Ended off my holiday with this :) 

I do not know what the future holds for me. I ain't that excited for Sem 2 but I will embrace it. You can do it Venessa! 

Surprise!

I had an amazing birthday weekend. It probably was so amazing because I completely did not expect anything. I think I've come to a point in life where I'm saying, "I've already celebrated it 19 times do I really need to do it again?" Or things like, "If I am special to people, I should be special everyday instead of only on my birthday." Nonetheless, I was surprised at every turn! 

Friday

I was dead beat after sending Matthew off at the airport in the morning! I woke up at 5am! But it was worth it, after all that he's done for me, this really is nothing. I had a great breakfast with Derrick, we finally got to catch up and just really talk like two good old friends. I headed home to sleep before going to meet Rachel at 1. Not shockingly, I was late and I went out of the house in a mess. 

Upon meeting Rachel, she was holding a super huge balloon with Cinderella on it and a blindfold. She was like, "WEAR THIS." And I'm like seriously?! But I did it anyway. So the whole journey she was just talking to me and lying about where we were going. Everyone was staring and commenting because I heard the word Cinderella so many times. 

 Look at what they made me wear on my face. A BETTY BOOB EYE MASK. Haha! I didn't even know Cheryl was there! 

 Finally, I was able to use my phone after an hour of travelling into botanic gardens. 

I don't think they know but freshly squeezed orange juice is my favourite drink in the world :)  

 Potato salad made by Abby and Mand. 

 Meatballs made by Rachel Thomas. 

 Sandwiches made by Rachel Thomas. 

 Cornflakes thingy made by Abby. 

 Sweetest strawberries ever bought by Cheryl. 

 Korean grapes that taste like Aloe Vera bought by Cheryl. 

 Thanks for everything, I'm so blessed to have them in my life. 

Rachel Thomas. 

 Cheryl Koh. 

 Abigail Yeap. 

 Figuring a way out of Botanic Gardens. We finally decided to take the mrt to Buona Vista to go to Star Vista. The funniest thing was that it was Star Vista's birthday and the place was playing "Happy birthday to you." Coincidence or? Haha. 

Our really cheap dinner :) 

We parted and I had such a hard time with the balloon on the MRT. Met Claudine and Martin and went to Lubin's place together. 

Witnessed the sunset :) 

Great lesson by Lubin and it was the most fun midweek I've had in weeks! Really love just talking to people and getting to know how their week has been. Laughing at everything. 
  

For the first time, our whole small group was present in one place! Definitely a snapshot moment to remember :) 

Saturday
Went to Todai at MBS for a birthday buffet lunch. The food was really good and I totally did not take any pictures. I REALLY REGRET but I guess I was too distracted by the food and was too into the moment to be taking pictures. Sent my bro off to soccer and sat there to watch! I love seeing Fandi Ahmad because he's such a legend and I feel so honoured to personally know him :) I can't remember what I did after reaching home but nearing midnight, the texts all started coming in. 

Sunday
At midnight, the Vietnamese people were all like.. "VENESSA PLEASE DON'T SLEEP YET." 

They called and Facetimed me to sing me happy birthday! Gosh I was so like shocked and like touched and all the good things. The funniest thing was... You see Chuong holding the guitar? After the song, they were like, "I think you should know the truth." And Duyen showed that she was holding a guitar under a blanket! I was so amused! I really felt so loved! 

I slept so well! Woke up to another bunch of messages and headed off to my 9am service. The campus people doing ushering were like "The birthday girl's here!" The lovely Aretha and Wei Ching plus Anthony :) And of course, God had to be so sneaky. I was trying to escape into the hall but to no avail. 
HE WISHED ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 
I swear I almost stopped breathing. But I was completely cool about it. I mean it shocked me. Took me by surprise. A good surprise. I mean, every gap that people wish me happy birthday,  I seem to forget that it is my birthday. What's wrong with me. After service, we had campus announcements and the campus sang and shared for me. Claudine, Brenda, Sean and Matthew shared. So touched. Gave my cake away to Clarence. Went for a really awesome D group at Punggol Plaza after that. Got cards and roses which made me so happy. So thankful for the lack of gifts or else I really have no idea how to appreciate them if I have no use for them. 

We gathered at PP again to go to Gareth's GGM's wake. I can't believe I spent like a quarter of my birthday at a wake. It was surprisingly calming and I got to spend time with people I never thought I would ever in my life. Had epic moments with Rebekah. Wee Keong is always epic. And I had even more epic moments with Lubin and Anthony in the car singing Taiwanese songs. 

After alighting at my place since they were coming over for steamboat with my sister, we saw Samuel, Arthur, Lucien and Eugene. And I was like... why are they under my block. They were like, "Lubin, we wait for you so long sia. We need the keys back to your house. Lucien never bring." So in my head was like, "Okay, I'm going up. Such a long day." And Arthur mumbled something to me which I didn't hear. Lubin came up a little later and was without his bag, saying that he asked his brother to bring it home. 

AND AFTER AWHILE, SURPRISE! They all turned up at my house with a huge bread cake and balloons while singing happy birthday. It was so sweet. With a huge letter :) I was honestly very shocked but yet very touched at the same time! Took pictures and voila they were gone. 

Some of them stayed back though, those four boys who were under my block. We had steamboat leftovers. Got to catch up with Arthur while walking him to the bus stop. One of the highlights of my day actually. I realised how long it has been since I've talked to him or anyone really. Old friends. It felt great. I felt great. 

To end off, at 1145pm, Hung facetimed me and played Happy Birthday on the violin. 

I never knew turning 20 could be that fun and that exciting. I thought that it would have been completely chill and just me reflecting on life. But God thought otherwise, He blessed me with these amazing people and I am so blessed to be blessed. It reminded me of a conversation I had with Bi. He said that turning 20 meant responsibilities, it meant major decision making, it meant knowing to do the right thing at the right time. And it's so true. I'm no longer a teen anymore. 

As a teen, I held by to the idea of "Make mistakes and make them again. Take the wrong route and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love, a lot. Change your mind and change it again. Major in philosophy because there is no way to make a career out of that." 

Guess it's time to start thinking about making a change. 

It's been a pretty intense week after coming back from Vietnam. I've been really sick because of the air there, it's as if my body is producing so much phlegm and mucus just to get rid of all the foreign particles in my body. It's been such a tough battle between my mind and my body. Nonetheless, I really wanted to make full use of the rest of my holidays so here's how I spent the first few days after coming back from Vietnam. 

Monday

I baked cupcakes for the NUS students having their mid terms. Doing such stuff really is fulfilling. The funniest thing about me is that I really don't like cakes. Yet, I bake them. Their smiles when they ate it just brought me so much joy though! I even chanced upon Jane! My Meridian schoolmate and I'm sure she was so touched too :) Meaningful day. I felt like I totally pushed myself to do something I would never do. To leave my home unnecessarily is really not my kind of thing, but I did it! So proud of myself. 

Tuesday

I finally met up with my secondary school close friend, Ginette Kee Wen Min. We had so much fun reminiscing on the past and how we got close! We had awesome Pancakes from Paddington House of Pancakes at City Square Mall :) Headed for my swimming lesson after that! My instructor said I improved so much after coming back for Vietnam! She said I became fearless ^^

Wednesday

Headed to the zoo/river safari with my tertiary clique, Abby and Cheryl. I shan't say much but let the pictures do the talking ya? 

Thursday

Worked for my mummy and had a whole lot of fun with the kids :)